Can I talk to you as a friend?

— “Of course, we are friends.”

“Yeah, but we used to fuck and I don’t want that fact getting in the way.”

— “Of Course. What’s going on?”

“Well, I’m really struggling with my sexual addiction lately and I just don’t know what to do.”

— “How are you struggling?”

“I’ve been horny for days. I can’t stop thinking about sex and I joined one of those ‘adult’ sites where you can find other people with the same demons as you.”

— “Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. Have you met any of these people?”

“Yes. Just one, but I have plans to meet three others next week. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know that I’m potentially putting myself in dangerous situations, but I just feel as if I don’t have any control.”

— “You could say ‘no.'”

“Right. When have you ever known me to say no to sex? Remember, we used to fuck.”

— “Right, but you still have the power to say no whenever you want to.”

“That’s the hard part for me. I just crave the ‘connection’ so much. I crave the attention, and the feeling that someone wants me, and the rush of the danger I’m putting myself in. It’s like playing russian roulette everytime I meet one of these guys.”

— “You’re right and I do worry about that for you. You know I can hold your hand through this, right? I’ll be there whenever you need me.”

“I appreciate that so much. I mean it’s great that you’ll be there, but you can’t be there all the time. I need to learn to control this shit on my own. Fuck, I know what I should do, but it’s just so hard.”

— “What do you think you should do?”

“Instead of holding your hand, I should hold the hand of God. I need to reconnect with Him. I need to lean on Him for the strength I need. What sucks though is that the pull of the addiction is so strong and my mind is so fucked up about it, that it’s hard to take hold of His hand and just say ‘ok, guide me.'”

— “I understand that, but Kelly, if that’s what you believe will make things better, just have the faith that you can do it. You’re a strong woman and you don’t have to be defined by your addiction. Re-label yourself and let God take the reins in your life.”

“I know dammit, it’s just so fucking hard. I have to get my head on straight with what I’m doing. All I’ve ever known is sex. That’s how I connect to people. I know it’s the wrong way to do it, but I just haven’t discovered what else I’m good for.”

— “That’s a bunch of crap and you know it. Kelly, you’ve come so far in your life, after facing years of abuse, rape, divorce, death, etc. You are a strong woman and you can do it. Yeah, you’re afraid, but you’ve faced much harder and worse situations. What makes you think you can’t win this?”

“Maybe that’s all I think I have. Maybe I think I’m only good for sex. That no one will want me for anything else. I’m afraid of what I’ll be if I’m not a sex addict.”

— “Just take the ‘sex addict’ label out it for a minute and let’s see what we have. You’re a great mom, you run your own, very successful business, you’re a great friend, a great daughter, and you have talent coming out of your ass if you’d just take a minute and use it. You are a lot of other things that don’t have anything to do with sex.”

“It’s nice to hear. I guess I just need to start believing it myself.”

— “Yes you do. No offense, but quit acting like a fucking victim and get your shit together. You’re better than this but you’re letting fear guide everything right now. You’re letting the fucking asshole who molested you rule your life. You are better than that. Fuck, you piss me off sometimes.”

“Ha ha. I know. You’re right. Fuck I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.”

— “Vulnerable? What do you think you are everytime you go to meet some stranger you’ve met online? That’s vulnerable and just plain stupid.”

“Fuck you. I mean that in the most agreeable way possible, you know? Seriously, thank you for putting me in my place.”

— “You’re welcome. And fuck you, right back.”

Sometimes after talking to yourself, you realize you’re the best friend you have.

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2 Comments

  1. Rebel O said,

    August 4, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    I wouldn’t call that addiction, this sounds more like a need…perhaps you need something and you substitute your drive for wanting sex in it’s place? Does that make sense?

    Great blog btw

  2. Kelly Pocan said,

    August 4, 2009 at 6:11 PM

    Because I was sexualized at such a young age, it made it difficult for me to understand that I was more valuable as a human being than just being an object for sex. That misunderstanding manifested itself into an addiction for sex; always wanting to prove my worth by having sex; then wanting more and more sex in order to fill the continuing void. It’s the same, really, with any addiction. We crave another substance to fill a void or mask the pain, and it then becomes an addiction to that chosen substance. I hope that made sense…. thanks for the comment Rebel.


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