Relationship hell

I wrote this about five years ago while I was transitioning from being completely dysfunctional to someone better able to see the damage I was doing to myself. Enjoy

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You know things are going badly when… every relationship you end up in is with someone who’s either an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a womanizer. And that does seem to describe every long-term relationship I’ve ever been in.

The Devil (aka my first husband) / Alcoholic. Womanizer. Hitter:  I met him about a week after I broke up with my high school boyfriend. D blew in on a motorcycle, looking all cool n’ shit, talking sweet, and providing me with his undivided attention. When he said he’d pick me up at 7:00 p.m., he was there on time and usually carrying flowers or some such girly thing. I fell in love quickly and was barely 17 years old when we married. A week after the wedding is when the hitting started, along with his self-esteem-shattering name calling. There I was, all 5’7″ 130 lbs of me being called fat, ugly and stupid then smacked in the face just because he felt like it. D was an alcoholic and a womanizer. The marriage ended a year later. That was the day I beat the fuck out of him, you know, the day I wasn’t going to take his shit anymore. I guess once he realized I could kick his ass my usefulness wore off.

Mr. Machismo / Alcoholic. Womanizer:  I met M about six months after I divorced the Devil. He was 12 years older than me, 6′ tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and one hella Swedish fucking hottie! M taught me a lot about sex. I’m not really sure what else we had in common, but we both certainly liked experimenting sexually. He liked it so much that he “shared the wealth” with many other women. Ain’t that sweet? We were together about a year and a half, then just sort of quit seeing each other. No real drama, no goodbyes, just “hm… I haven’t seen M in a while… wonder what he’s up to.”

The Biker / Alcoholic:  I met B one night while playing pool in my local bar. We were on our second or third game when I couldn’t quite reach the shot (plus I wanted to really get his attention) so I climbed on the pool table and made my shot while ass-up on all fours. B was really a sweet guy who carried around a rough exterior. The only problem in our relationship was his drinking. He didn’t get violent or anything, he held a good job, and was very kind to me, but he was always drunk. In fact, he’s the one who helped me discover my love of tequila. Our relationship ended early one morning after B left for work. His roommate decided to come into our room and rape me. Obviously, things just weren’t the same after that.

The Daddy (aka my second husband) / Alcoholic. Hitter: I met D while hanging out with a local metal band. He was a friend of the bass guitarist and I was fucking the drummer. Jump forward a year and a half and there we are at a barn party, talking and laughing when and I asked him out. We dated seven months before we got hitched. We were married for 11 years and had two kids. The first four years were great. After our first daughter was born, everything went to hell and quick. D decided it was okay to get drunk and punch or choke me, he often referred to his mom as a whore, and generally had no respect for women. I blame myself for a lot of this fiasco because the warning signs were there. I just refused to see them. I’m not sorry, but only because of my two wonderful kids, but it was pure hell. The hitting stopped on my 30th birthday when he tried to choke me, I threw the asshole into a head-lock and beat the fuck out of him. Again, another victim of my pent-up rage.

The Golf Pro / Alcoholic. Womanizer:  I met M one night, made out with him in his truck, fucked his brains out for two weeks, then he dumped me. I was heart-broken. A week later, he called and said he couldn’t live without me. So there began our one and a half year freak/fuck-fest. M was 14 years older than me and really knew what he was doing in bed. With him, it was the first time in years that I actually felt like a woman. I wasn’t someone’s wife or mother, I was a desirable woman and he let me know it. Unfortunately, he was fucking everything in town, as I found out later. It got so bad that a woman’s husband poisoned M’s dog because of M’s affair with her.

The Red Neck / Alcoholic. Womanizer: I met J one night, purposely gave him the wrong address and talked to him on the phone while he drove around looking for my house. I told him about the red teddy I was wearing, how my legs were spread and my pussy was ready for some dick. I thought it was funny. He didn’t. Six months later I ran into him again, gave him the right address this time, and that started our year and a half long relationship. With J, it felt as if I were raising another child. I know that his energy and outlook on life is part of what appealed to me, but there are times when you have to be serious and take responsibility for your life. He just didn’t want any part of that. J had a very rough upbrining and dealt with the scars of that by drinking heavily. Our relationship was pretty stormy and ended when he started fucking his cousin. Yep, his cousin.

The African Prince / Alcoholic. Womanizer: I met G while he was visiting my neighbor. We didn’t get together until six months later and I fell madly and deeply in love. I know he “cared” for me and he even said “I love you” once, but I also know that he’s not capable of being with just one woman. He’s an alcoholic, smoke a great deal of weed, and sleeps with quite a few women (one in each port?). That ended when I admitted my sexual addiction to him. I guess what’s good for the goose really isn’t good for the gander.

The Southern Gentleman / Alcoholic. Womanizer. Drug Addict. Ex Con. T and I met after he sent me a drink at a local bar. I was immeidately smitten and went home with him that night. We talked about our past, our addictions, everything. Things were good until I realized his “southern charm” was just a mask hiding every other fucked up thing that was wrong with him, but he didn’t want to deal with. We dated four years, but he eventually started using drugs again, then left town on a Greyhound on his way to meet his girlfriend in Denver. I never looked back.

From what I can garner, I seem to be attracted to any man who is an alcoholic and has issues with intimacy and commitment. As I’ve said before, “my picker is broke.” I wonder what it is about the alcoholic that seems to draw me to them? Is it their own wounded spirit and my co-dependency? Was I a raging alcoholic in a past life and now I’m paying for my sins? All I know is that I can’t go anywhere near an AA meeting or all hell will let loose.

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6 Comments

  1. Jessica said,

    August 5, 2009 at 4:58 PM

    Maybe it’s you?….you’re picking the wrong ones…I had a bad cycle like that… then dated someone COMPLTELY different… and it worked…AND he didn’t have any of the “labels.” There is someone like that for you… maybe you’ll find him if you’re not looking…

  2. Kelly Pocan said,

    August 5, 2009 at 5:59 PM

    Yeah, I definitely used to pick the wrong ones. I am making much better choices now. Thank God.

  3. Spacey said,

    August 6, 2009 at 3:14 AM

    It seems to me that you have dated quite a bunch’a guys through local bars and rock bands etc. Some, I noticed in your description were cool (in appearance) bikers…I feel it is quite safe to assume that people looking out for a long term healthy relationship hang out somewhere else…

    you should probably meet up (and hopefully get married to) men who are investment bankers or engineers etc. Men who are atleast concerned/aware of the legal consequences of abusing someone in a relationship (like being sued for a lifetimes fortune etc)…though in general there is no gaurantee that people from these professions might be less alcoholic or less abusive

    -cheers

  4. bert said,

    August 6, 2009 at 9:04 AM

    Thank you so much for being so honest. Like you I was a victim of sexual abuse and was a “bad picker” dating alcoholics, drug addicts, and thinking nothing of it. It took many years of therapy – traditional, hypnotherapy, etc – to realize it had more to do with my own self worth. I did not believe I was worthy of a man who is spiritually, emotionally, and physically well adjusted.

    Now with all this internal work, I have the strength to walk away, and believe me I have had to do that, when an ex (alcoholic) from 10yrs ago wanted to rekindle our very toxic relationship earlier this year. The difference this time was that I had done the internal work to feel worthy and have grown into a strong woman, while he had remained stuck.

  5. Kelly Pocan said,

    August 6, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    Spacey: Although my descriptions of these men was done flippantly because of the hell I endured with them, most were in very high profile professional positions, and most were met through friends, neighbors, etc., and not in bars. You never really know who someone is, no matter their profession or where you meet them. Thank you for your comment.

  6. Kelly Pocan said,

    August 6, 2009 at 3:17 PM

    Bert: You’re right, it takes US working on US in order to leave those past bad habits behind, including who we pick as life partners. I’m glad you have found the strength to make better choices. I finally did, too, and it’s been life altering.


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